It’s Valentine’s Day. I just posted a funny Instagram Story, but then I started feeling sad for being alone tonight. Isn’t it so ridiculous how things that seems so minute and irrelevant can upset us?
They say that the “firsts” after a death is always the hardest. Yes, I’m still mourning the death of my marriage. The first Valentine, the first Christmas, the first birthdays, the first anniversary…those were the toughest.
But they’re still hard in other ways.
Missing something you thought you had, or something you still want for yourself is hard, just in a different way.
After going through a bad breakup, I feel like second-guess myself a lot. What do I want? What are the things that are important to me in a relationship? What are the compromises I’m willing to put up with?
You see, the problem lies in the fact that I’m an extremely loving, caring and patient person. I also have a very high tolerance for pain and discomfort. And I will do anything for the people I care about, to the point where I will put my own needs to the side.
But this is cocktail for disaster. Which is exactly what happened.
I was patient and put up with things I probably shouldn’t have put up. I’m not sure that I feel comfortable sharing those details online but some of the stuff…… not okay.
But I did it out of love. Because I thought that loving someone unconditionally also meant not respecting my boundaries and my needs and my gut that something wasn’t right. There are things that are simply unacceptable.
Which then makes me question my judgment and standards, and that goes back to the questions about the things that I want and need in a relationship and the things that are okay to compromise.
Ugh. F*ck. This sucks. I was feeling fine all evening with not having V-day plans (and to be fair, my sister and close friend had suggested to do something but I’m tired and not in the mood to socialize…) but now I’m feeling more and more sad.
I sound a bit pathetic. But this is the truth right now. I know it’s not a big deal per se and I know it’s simply the situation that’s bringing up emotions that I still need to heal.
But I want to be loved. I want someone to think about me and care about me and want to be with me. That’s the truth. But I guess for now, I’ll just sit here on my couch, debating whether or not to have some chocolate or just go to bed. I got most of my work done for the evening and I was feeling tired today. So might as well call it a night.
Tomorrow is a new day.