Today was a pretty good day, considering…
For someone that has been diagnosed with severe anxiety, that’s gone through 3 bouts of depression and suicidal thoughts in the past…a good day is always welcome. Because on the days you’re not good, it feels extremely scary and the thoughts quickly spiral to a dark place, wondering if you’re going to keep sliding down the path to doom.
For those of you that have never felt depressed or anxiety, this might sound dramatic.
And if you can relate to what I’m saying, I’m sorry.
I’ve been doing things differently lately. Completely different to how I usually go about my days and weeks. It usually feels hectic, like I’m a headless chicken, running from one task to another, barely able to catch my breath.
But lately, I’ve been trying to be more in-tune with myself, my needs and how I’m feeling in the moment so that I can allow myself space to move through my day more intuitively.
I still need practice. God knows I still have a long way to go. My automatic response to feeling anxious is to try and control things that I feel like I can control, like my schedule and over-exerting myself at the gym. But that just leaves me feeling just as anxious and more physically and mentally drained.
But I haven’t felt as consistently drained lately. And that’s a nice feeling. It’s a nice feeling to look back at my weekend and remind myself that Friday evening, I allowed myself not to open my laptop and work. After a full workweek, it can be hard to force myself to work on my business (even though I’m passionate about it. I’m proud to see that I was able to let myself rest. Granted, it took a lot of mental reminders to myself “Resting is productive. You’re tired, you’ve had a long week, if you rest, then you can have a productive weekend.”
I sometimes feel like I’m somehow broken. That my brain doesn’t work the way that it should. That I overthink and over-analyze and over FEEL everything.
My sister shared with me a concept last week: highly sensitive person. I did a psychology quiz (without knowing what it was for) and turns out, I’m a highly sensitive person.
It feels like a DUH when I think about it. But also makes me wonder… why? Why are my brain and heart not more balanced? Why do I get so worried about everyone’s reactions and how THEY’RE feeling? When did I stop caring and paying attention to how *I* feel?
Self-awareness is a funny thing. The more you know, the more effectively you can manage yourself. But the more you realize how messed up you are. I guess we’re all messed up in our own ways, and that “normal” isn’t a real thing.
But when you wake up anxious for no reason, or have nightmares all the time about past traumas, or feel like crying for the smallest sh*t….it’s exhausting.
But at least today, I had a good day. And I’m grateful for that.
It also scares me how much I enjoy being by myself. I don’t have to worry about anyone else’s needs, whether they’re hungry, comfortable, happy. I only have to worry about me, and figure out what I want to do next.
I hope I’m able to manage being around more people and not get so drained. But right now, this is my reality and it feels nice. It feels like a much needed vacation that I’ve been needing for years…
Alright, that’s enough for today. I have other work to get done and it’s already 8:18 P.M.
Thank you for reading, wherever in the world you are.
