I took a picture of this journal entry that I wrote a few weeks ago but forgot to post.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on how we view ourselves, our bodies, and how we define our self-worth. I’ve been trying to shift my perspective, but also understand where my conditioning comes from.
Why do I think I need to look a certain way to be loved or to be proud of myself? Why do I push myself beyond my limits all the time to do more?
What I’ve also realized that “doing” has been a coping mechanism, a way for me to feel safe. Especially with my anxiety, I can feel out of control of my emotions or how I feel in my body when a panic attack is coming on.
But by exercising or keeping busy, this has been my way to feel as though I have control. I have control over myself or my body. And in reality, it’s a coping mechanism to make me feel safe, because anxiety (and life…) has felt so completely unsafe and unstable for a few years.
But taking a step back and understanding these patterns has been empowering. And I’m trying to shift my perspective into something more positive – moving my body from a place of self-care and self-love. Being organized with my schedule but not so rigid and allow for more free-flow so that I can also have some breathing room.
*this* is why I love journaling. Because the more I dive deeper, the more I’m able to uncover some of these patterns of thoughts and beliefs, and question why I do certain things. And it’s only by taking a step back and constantly asking myself meaningful questions that I’m able to gain a deeper understanding of myself.