I’ve been in a void lately. Nothing seems to make sense.
I’m done living in the past, but I also don’t know where to go from here, and the present feels scary.
What I thought I knew seems like a blur. But so does the present. And the future.
It feels like I can’t figure out the next step. The next move. The next “thing”.
What’s the point of it all? Why are we here? What do I do next?
It’s a weird place to be in. My dreams are still there. But far, far away into the distance.
The past feels like a blurry image that still feels raw at times. And the present. Well, the present. I feel like I’m floating through it. Just going through the motions. Surviving. Not fully living.
You would think that for someone like me, that has been doing this self-help thing for years would be able to snap out of it.
But I think this is bigger than that.
I think what I’m going through is a deep rebirth because I’m actually facing the trauma, pain, sadness, disappointment and deep hurt that I’ve had to deal with for years.
And let me tell you. It’s not pretty.
But the more I allow myself to dive into it, the more that I’m seeing that even I’m in the void, I know that there’s only one way out. And that’s through it.
Which means that I have to cry. I have to let myself feel angry. I have to allow myself to numb the pain sometimes.
And even though it’s scary, because I’m in an extremely uncomfortable place where it feels like reality doesn’t make much sense, I have to trust and to keep moving forward.
Even though it doesn’t quite feel like I’m moving forward.
I’m rambling. I have a lot on my heart and in my mind. But it doesn’t always make sense. Which can feel overwhelming.
I spend half my time wanting to cry. And the other half wanting to distract myself from the pain.
I feel like I have so many things to “fix”. Fix my heart. Fix my mind. Fix my anxiety. Fix my body. Fix my health.
Where do you start?
You start somewhere.
But then when you keep trying and you feel as though nothing is working…then what? How do you not give up? How do you get back up and try again?
And that’s what I’m doing now. I’m trying to shift my focus on to what I have control over.
And I’m trying to trust. Trust that this the right journey. Trust that this is the right path. And trust that things are unfolding as they are meant to.
But f*ck is it exhausting as heck.
Whoever is reading this and is going through a shitty time, I’m here. I’m with you.