Why do we romanticize the past so much? Is it because it’s easier to forget the bad parts, when we only remember the good? But then remembering the good makes it that much more painful and sad, no?
Or maybe remembering the good is how our brain protects us from facing reality, from facing that what we thought was real, in fact wasn’t. What we felt or thought we felt…was imagined.
That’s the thing about grief and trauma – you second guess yourself. Some days you’re angry. Some days you’re disappointed. Some days you’re numb.
And other days you’re sad, remembering the good times, the things you wanted, the moments you dreamed of, the memories you had.
But then in one moment, all of that vanished. It all disappeared. All the hopes, dreams and memories dissolved before your eyes. And you’re left with nothing in front of you, and the all-consuming fear of “What next?” as you stare into what feels like oblivion.
One thing I’ve learned is that nothing is certain and control is an illusion.
Thinking about the past can be just a form of torture. A sick way our mind likes to torture our hearts into reliving moments that you used to smile thinking about, but now, brings you pain and sadness.
The emotions are fading with time. But they’re still there. They’re still present. It doesn’t feel the same. It feels like a distant dream. “Did it really happen? Did I really experience that? Was it a dream? Am I exaggerating? Or was it real?”
But then I have to remind myself that living in the past is no way to live because I will miss out on the present moment, and potentially ruin my future.
I think that talking about the grief and trauma is somehow cathartic. One thing that I realized lately is that I need validation. Validation that what I went through was traumatic. What I experienced wasn’t ‘normal’. What I felt was real. And how I was treated… wasn’t okay.
But I keep seeking the validation that won’t come. I’m waiting for an apology and explanation that I will never get. And my experiences are unique to me, and no one will ever know what I went through, because no one can truly walk in my shoes and go through the last few years that I have lived through.
I only have myself to reassure myself that I am safe now. That everything is okay, and that everything will be okay. That I can stop waiting for the other shoe to drop. And that what I experienced was hard and challenging, but it has made me stronger and made me appreciate my resilience.
I still feel as though I’m writing for no one. But I also hope that these posts will find someone that needs to hear these words. Anyone that feels alone right now. Anyone that feels like their world is crumbling around them.
There is light at the end of the tunnel. But life is a series of hills and valleys. We just need to learn how to climb the hills more efficiently, and enjoy the view at the top, and make sure that we are equipped to head into the valleys.
Life will always have twists and turns. Learn how to rely on yourself, learn from your past, but don’t dwell on it, and find a way to release the pain and sorrow before it consumes you.